There are 14 tents in all at Oktoberfest and the one you choose says a lot about you.
"Tent," though, requires some clarification -- this isn't boy scout-related.
Schottenhamel and Hofbräu-Festzelt tents each have a mammoth 10,000 seats (around six million people will attend the festival in total), filled with a generally youngish, oompah-singing, rollicking international crowd.
Champagne-drinking celebrities hang out in the Hippodrom or Käfer's Wies'n-Schänke tent.
Arguably the best beer is served in the traditional, family-friendly Augustiner (where people are likely still to be noticing such things), though the roaring lion at the Löwenbräu would have something to say about that.
Would-be shepherds drink under a painted sky at Hacker-Pschorr, dubbed the Himmel der Bayern ("Bavarian heaven"), while Bräurosl has a resident yodeler.
7. Do your Wurst
Luckily, Oktoberfest food -- make that German food, in general -- seems designed to protect the stomach, and reputation, against excessive wheat beer consumption.
A meal of Wurst in various guises -- pork knuckles with sauerkraut, goulash and dumplings and pretzels as big as your head with Obatzda, a Camembert-paprika dip -- is ideal preparation for a more or less civilized session at the stein table.
Saueres Lüngerl -- sour calf-lung dumplings -- is another Bavarian speciality, yet one that risks having the opposite effect from that intended.
The restaurants page on Muenchen.de has a selection of traditional Bavarian restaurants in Munich.
8. Wear your dirndl bow right
... er, no.
Bavarians might let their braces down at Oktoberfest but while flirting is fine, even expected, it stops at a very firm line.
You can call a lady fesch (pretty), but don't imagine you're in the aforementioned B-grade medieval romp and start praising her Gaudinockerln (lit. lovely dumplings -- no need to spell it out).
Ladies, be aware of the signals your dirndl bow is sending out: to the right means attached, to the left, single, in the center -- not recommended and somehow unlikely to be true -- a virgin.
9. Play the proper tourist
Believe it or not, there's more to Oktoberfest than beer-guzzling, thigh-slapping revelry.
You can see its more traditional side at Saturday's opening Festzug, where a thousand tent owners and brewers parade through Munich's streets with horse-drawn, flower-bedecked drays laden with barrels.
It's also kitsch heaven, with Oktoberfest-themed steins, fridge magnets and snow globes on sale, plus the chance to get a last-minute embroidered dirndl or lederhosen (used or unused).
Visit Oktoberfest.de to plan your own Oktoberfest adventure.