Raised steins, raised bosoms, leather-clad Bavarian thighs.
Oktoberfest's sure got a beer tent full of clichés about it.
But bet you don't know why "Gemütlichkeit" is untranslatable (let alone unpronounceable), what false teeth were doing in the lost property bin last year and whether the yodeling or oompah tent would best suit your personality.
Read on, Lieblings.
Bavaria's biggest beer love-in kicks off in Munich on Saturday, September 21, and runs through October 6.
1. Gird your bosom, hitch those hosen
Worried that squeezing into a bosom-lifting dirndl or a pair of skin-tight lederhosen will make you look ridiculous?
Don't worry: it will, but considering almost everyone will also resemble an extra in a B-grade medieval romp, you'll fit right in.
To put it another way, when in Bavaria, do as the Bavarians do -- and they're pretty proud of their huntsman-and-strapping-maid heritage.
Rent a costume if you don't fancy splashing out on your own outfit.
Although -- used lederhosen?
2. Learn to belt out "Ein Prosit der Gemütlichkeit"
Fitting in at Oktoberfest is all about getting the balance right.
Leather shorts and flouncy dresses: good.
Beer stein hats: bad.
Also good: singing.
Not anything, though (unless it's really late).
Bavarian bonding is about sing-alongs, and one such tune you'll hear time and again at the festival is "Ein Prosit der Gemütlichkeit."
It's tricky to translate because "Gemütlichkeit" is supposed to mean some fusion of "happiness" and "belonging" that Anglo-Saxons are too uptight to understand.
So try mumbling, "Cheers to something-Anglo-Saxons-are-too-uptight-to-understand" and then the important bit -- clink glasses.
3. Find table; don't visit rest room
You're thinking: Oh, Bavarians sound really jolly.
Not at all the punctuality freaks of German stereotype.
Well, kind of, but this country didn't set the standard for luxury precision automobiles without thinking ahead.
Which means that Germans book tables months in advance in the most popular Oktoberfest tents (see below for a tent-by-personality guide).
Without a reservation you'll spend hours queuing and, even if you eventually get a seat, will lose it as soon as you pop to the toilet.
4. Sit on that Viking helmet
Of the thousands of items ending up in lost property each year at Oktoberfests past, some have been obvious: Viking helmets, (ahem) wedding rings, French horns.
Others were less obvious: false teeth, (live) grasshoppers.
Lesson: don't bring anything precious to Oktoberfest, especially not your dignity.
5. Drink like a European
You know those patronizing stories about how Continentals -- unlike Yanks, Brits and Aussies -- don't get drunk but sit around sipping Gewürztraminer in sidewalk cafes, quoting Proust?
They're not all lies!
That said, Germans do have a word for a paralytic person -- a Bierleiche, meaning beer corpse.
Don't be one.
Surviving 12 hours of solid drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, so make each liter Mass (those jug-like glasses) last.
At up to 8%, this wheat beer is strong stuff.
For the record, a Mass costs around €9.80 ($13) in 2013.
Tip well if you expect to be served again.
6. Choose your tent